Loneliness

Loneliness is the feeling or perception of being alone, regardless of the amount of social contacts an individual may actually have. Being stigmatized, left out, or discriminated against by others can increase the risk of loneliness.

What is Social Isolation?

Social isolation can be defined as the lack or limited extent of social contact with others. It is important to note that someone who is socially isolated may not be lonely, but social isolation does increase the risk of loneliness.

Who is at risk?

     Although loneliness was previously considered a problem associated with older adults, new research suggests that loneliness is increasingly affecting younger adults, with adults ranging from 18-22 years old reporting the highest levels of loneliness (Cigna, 2018). Factors that increase the risk of struggling with loneliness or social isolation include:

• Depression/Anxiety disorders
• Cognitive deficits/Dementia
• Living alone or lacking adequate social supports
• Difficulty connecting with others
• Caregiver burnout
• Disruptive life events or significant transitions
• Bereavement or loss
• Illness or poor health
• Issues related to self-esteem

How common is Loneliness?

Although everyone experiences the feeling of loneliness from time to time, recent research suggests that almost half of Americans surveyed report that they sometimes or always feel alone (46%) or left out (47%) (Cigna, 2018). Given the increasing rates of social isolation and loneliness, and their impact on overall health and wellbeing, it is a growing public health concern in our society. Some have even coined it a “Loneliness epidemic” (Health Affairs, 2020).

How will Loneliness affect my health?

Pervasive and chronic loneliness and social isolation can cause significant mental and physical health problems. The more intense and long lasting the experiences of loneliness are, the more toxic they can be. Loneliness and social isolation have been linked to an increased risk of premature death by nearly 30% (Health Affairs, 2020). Social isolation and loneliness have also been found to be associated with increased risk of:

• Coronary artery disease and stroke
• Hospital readmission and mortality
• Higher rates of depression and anxiety
• Suicide for all ages
• Suicidal ideation and self-harm in older adults
• Poor quality of life
• Adverse lifestyle and/or health-related behaviors [poor diet, substance use, physical inactivity]
• Acute and chronic elevations in blood pressure and heart rate
• Sleep disorders
• Substance abuse
• Excessive weight gain
• Cognitive decline
• Inflammation

Common Beliefs

There is no one way to experience loneliness. For people who deeply value a sense of belonging, community, and relationships, loneliness can feel even more emotionally draining. Once you can put what’s bothering you into words, you can start to talk about it with others. From there, hopefully you can get ideas and encouragement that motivate you to take small steps towards what you need or want. Some common beliefs about loneliness that can keep you feeling stuck are:

• No one understands what I’m going through.
• If I put myself out there, people will judge or reject me.
• People will eventually let me down or betray me.
• I’m lonely because there’s something wrong with me.
• I’m always going to be alone.
• I’m not good at making friends.
• I shouldn’t feel the way I do.
• I should be over this by now.
• If people knew what I was going through they’d just feel sorry for me.
• I’m no good at small talk.

There are a handful of traps that can keep you stuck in a state of loneliness. Let’s go through those, as well as the cycle that keeps you trapped, and some tips to help you break out of it.

Judging Yourself And Your Loneliness Trap.

Loneliness is a natural human emotion. But if you judge yourself for feeling it, that can trap you in a cycle of not feeling good enough, which can then lead you to isolate, and leave you feeling more lonely. If this cycle feels recognizable, it’s because most of us have been there at one point or another. The trick to breaking out of the cycle is catching yourself when you’re just starting to get caught up in it.

Perfectionism and Impression Management Trap.

This trap looks different because while you might be suffering or feeling disconnected on the inside, on the outside you’re giving the impression that you are just fine. You might still socialize, speak up in meetings, go out with friends, or appear generally happy. But you are hiding your true self from others, which can leave your relationships feeling hollow, superficial, or unfulfilling. Over time, you might find it increasingly difficult to open up to people—this cycle is what traps you in impression management, rather than meeting your own needs for deep, authentic, social connection.

Emotional Numbing Trap.

There are a lot of ways people numb their emotions to avoid having to feel the painful ones. The trap here is that cutting yourself off from painful emotions means disconnecting from the joyous and meaningful ones too. Using food, substances, spending, video games, or other distractions as a way to avoid your feelings of loneliness can get you caught in the trap of needing more of those things to cope, rather than actually satisfying your true needs.

Isolating Habits Trap.

You might not even realize when you’re caught in habits that are keeping you isolated away from meaningful social connections. For example, you might have gotten used to turning down invitations or not answering phone calls. In turn, people may have stopped reaching out, and before you knew it, it felt too uncomfortable to reach back out to them when you were ready for more company.

Negative Social Comparison Trap.

Comparing yourself to other people will almost always leave you feeling like you want to disconnect or separate from others. Once you get started comparing yourself to others, you’ll find yourself doing it more and more, which makes it harder and harder to view yourself objectively, just as you are. Breaking out of this cycle requires you to remember that even if someone looks like they have it all together, you don’t know how they got there, or the private details of their lives (including their sacrifices, sorrows, or personal issues).

Balance is Important

As we get busier with work, family, and life in general, it’s easy to lose touch with old connections. One way to cope with loneliness is to start being intentional about reconnecting and/or rebuilding your social support network. Research has found that having healthy sources of support can be a huge buffer against stress and the negative health impacts of loneliness and social isolation. Even if you have just a handful of people you can call or rely on, those meaningful connections can not only help you bounce back when facing hardship, they can help you stay healthier overall.

When your life feels out of balance in some way, it could be a sign you’re experiencing loneliness. Loneliness indicates that you’re longing for more connection. If you picture the various parts of your life like a pie, this would be like being hungry for a “bigger slice” of connection.

What can you do?

Soothing yourself can be a great way to start coping with the loneliness you experience. Some tips for this include:

• Practice accepting your emotions
• Start sharing the real you with people you care about
• Treat yourself like you are your own best friend
• Schedule pleasurable activities with others or even on your own
• Make time for self-connection with journaling, prayer, meditation, or other self-care
• Connect to something larger than you like a social cause or group that is meaningful to you
• Start a daily gratitude practice to help you discover things that bring you satisfaction or happiness regularly

Connecting with Others

Remember, human beings are generally social by nature, and positive relationships can help promote healthier lives. Some strategies that may help decrease social isolation and loneliness and provide opportunities to connect with others are:

• Join a peer/support group in person or online
• Volunteer for causes that matter to you
• Make a goal to reach out to existing supports, like family, friends, or groups, if available
• Engage in physical activity
• Explore community agencies, groups, programs, or resources that focus on building connections
• Attend virtual groups or communities of interest
• Reach out to your Crossover Health care team when you need support

Next Steps

If you have been struggling with loneliness or social isolation, there are multiple ways you can move forward with addressing these issues. Talk to your primary care physician, mental health therapist, health coach—or any of us here at Crossover—to learn more about ways we can support you in your journey towards greater social connection and wellbeing.

Five Ways to Find Balance

1. Try the “two birds with one stone” approach

Try to find ways to get two or more needs met at once. For example, if you feel like you need both physical activity and more social connection, try reaching out to someone to schedule a walk together. If your work schedule is full of video meetings and your garden is neglected, see if you can take a lighter meeting over the phone instead so you can pull weeds, get some sunshine, and be productive all at once.

2. Keep “Plan B” options handy

When barriers come up, like schedules or geography, find creative work-arounds as a back-up or “Plan B” option. For example, if loved ones live far away, go for a virtual walk “together.” Read the same book or watch the same show or movie and then schedule time to talk about it in a virtual book or movie club. Or set up time to chat each week during a commute, lunch break, or while you’re making dinner.

3. Find your own rhythm

Part of what makes regaining a sense of balance in your life difficult is that when you get out of the habit of doing something, it takes more effort to start it back up again. Finding a rhythm that you can commit to will help you get back into a consistent schedule, and honoring that commitment to yourself means those healthy habits and fulfilling activities will add up to you feeling more connected to yourself and to the things you enjoy.

4. Try mixing things up

While consistency can help build a steady rhythm or flow, the effort is empty unless you are truly engaged. Getting into “auto pilot mode” where you’re just going through the motions of life without really being emotionally and mentally present can actually put you in a pattern of feeling out of balance and disconnected from yourself and others. If you find yourself stuck in a rut or consistently dissatisfied with the way a certain area of your life is going, try something new or change things up. Take a different route to a place you go regularly, try out a new recipe, or find a different exercise instructor. Flexing new muscles—whether physical, emotional, or mental—helps keep us alert and involved.

5. If you’re stuck, be stuck together

If finding motivation to address your imbalance feels challenging, you can try connecting to others who might be going through the same thing. For example, if you’ve been wanting to write more, you can join a group or online forum about “writer’s block.” If you’ve been trying to learn something new, you can join a class with others trying to learn the same thing. You can share your experience with someone in your personal network or in your hobby-focused community. Doing this may also offer the encouragement, boost, or accountability that you need to get started or keep going. As an added bonus, connecting this way eliminates the challenge (or excuse) of distance or lack of physical access, and it might even deliver greater opportunities for authentic connection to things you love, as well as to new people with shared interests.

Three Ways to Find more Connection

1. Reach out to others struggling with loneliness

Although reaching out to others has the potential to feel awkward, if the gesture is authentic, it can be a risk worth taking for the sake of making a connection. It’s possible that you know a family member, friend, roommate, or colleague who also feels lonely. Doing for someone else what you need for yourself—making them feel seen, heard, and valued—could make both of you feel lighter. Even if you’re not sure that they are lonely, you could always offer to lend a helping hand, a listening ear, or an extra set of eyes on a problem they’re grappling with as a way to connect.

2. Change the interaction by asking open-ended questions

How many times have you been asked, “How are you?” only to answer with some variation of, “Fine thanks, and you?” We hear that question coming from everyone from telemarketers, to grocery store clerks, to acquaintances—usually without eye contact or time to truly listen to an answer that extends beyond “I’m good!” Turn that mindless back and forth into an opportunity for authentic connection by asking questions that truly spark engagement. Reach out in whatever way feels comfortable to you, be it text message, social media, phone call, video chat, or possibly in person. Here are some questions you can ask that open the door to actual conversation:

• Check in on someone. “Hey there…I haven’t heard from you in a while. What’s been on your mind lately?”
• Open up about something you’re going through and ask for advice. “It’s been so tough to get my kids to try new foods. I saw your post on the healthy recipes you’ve been trying with your family. How did you get started with that?”
• Appreciate something that they do well and ask for their perspective. “I’ve had a pretty hectic week. You always seem so calm and collected. What do you do to help you relax and stay centered?”
• Share an observation and follow up to learn more. “You seemed a little distracted today in the meeting. How have you been managing with our new schedule at work?”
• Start a weekly check-in ritual with a friend by setting your intention upfront and asking if they want to join. “I’m trying to create more opportunities to practice gratitude in my week and I’d love a check-in buddy to share things we’re grateful for every Monday in a quick text. Today I’m grateful that the traffic was pretty light on the freeway. What was the best part of your day so far?”
• If you’re regularly in touch with someone, try tossing a new question out to them like, “What’s something you’re looking forward to?” or “What’s something that always makes you smile?”
• When you’re talking to or texting with a friend and they share something exciting they have planned, rather than giving them a passive response like, “Sounds good” you can ask, “What activities will you do on your trip?” or “I’ve never been there. What are you looking forward to?” Or, if they share they’re going through something hard, instead of just saying, “I’m sorry to hear that” you can encourage them to open up further by showing them you’re interested with a response like, “That sounds so painful. How can I help or support you right now?” or “Your friend/mom/aunt sounds sweet. What did you most love about her?”

3. Extend an invitation

Integrating more opportunities for connection in your life—even when you’re the one doing the inviting—can work wonders in terms of reducing social isolation. Ask people to join you in something, whether it’s an activity, a group, or just a conversation where you can engage them in brainstorming, problem-solving, storytelling, sharing memories, or supporting each other. Connect with them on things you both value, or try something new together. Something as simple as a weekly walk or cup of coffee can not only help fill your calendar, it can fill your heart.

Engaging in your interests can help create a better sense of self, foster internal growth, and improve your quality of life. Interests can be any sort of topics or activities that you enjoy, feel curious about, or would like to try doing. Hobbies take your interests to the next level by helping you build a lifestyle with engaging and fulfilling activities. When you’re looking for more ways to build more connection in your life, hobbies can help you branch out, try new things, and feel more engaged in your life—not only to yourself, but to others. The key is having a plan and getting started—it just takes one first step and every step counts, no matter how big or small it may be.

If you aren’t sure where to start or how to get involved, here are some ideas.

Register on an app or website

There are many organizations, apps, and websites, such as nextdoor.com or meetup.com, where people post activities based on their interests. Browsing resources like these can provide inspiration for activities you would like to plan, or put you in contact with new people who are already planning an activity you may want to join. If the thought of going to an event makes you nervous or uneasy, you can start getting to know people on the app first by joining in on chats or online conversations of interest. You can also send a message to the organizer and let them know you’re new so that you make contact with one person before going in person to an event with more people in attendance.

See if your company offers opportunities

Many companies organize internal interest groups, work groups, or volunteer opportunities for their employees. Breaking out of routines and interacting with others in your company outside of your daily responsibilities might show you a different side of each other that can be more relatable. Spending time on an outside, shared interest with people you work with can also be a chance to turn a work colleague into a personal friend.

Look for local organizations

Think of a few things you’re interested in—chances are there’s already an existing organization that focuses on at least one of them! Start by doing an online search for something in your local community using terms like “animal shelters near me” or “volunteer opportunities near me.”  Many volunteer agencies such as shelters, food banks, and other nonprofits or charities post volunteer opportunities on their websites, have an email address, or post a phone number you can call for more information. You can also browse volunteer opportunities in your area by visiting volunteermatch.org.

Check out bulletin boards, open houses, or events pages

Search for local shops, such as music, dance, or cooking stores, that might offer classes or open houses to learn more about their services and events. Many other places—such as coffee shops, museums, places of worship, gyms, and fitness studios—frequently post community events, social interest groups, open houses, and volunteer opportunities, too.

Check out your local library

Libraries are storehouses of information, but not just through books. Many libraries offer networking events, book clubs, classes, game nights, and even activities for kids and teens. Some of these events are offered at no charge as they are meant to be a service to the community. If you feel nervous going alone, invite a friend along to give it a try with you. Go in person or explore their website to see if you find something online that sparks your interest.

Look for classes in your community

Lifelong learning is a great way to keep your mind sharp, meet new people, and expand your repertoire of interests. Local, big-box, home improvement stores, as well as some smaller specialty shops have classes on do-it-yourself home improvement projects like tiling, backsplash, painting, and other interests. Your local hobby and craft store may also offer crafting, silk floral arranging, or decorating classes in your area. A community college near you may offer classes you are interested in—these courses are an inexpensive way to refresh your existing knowledge or learn about something brand new, all while meeting people who share your interest in the subject.

Tips for Engaging in Hobbies

• Be realistic about your budget.
• Try it a few times to get the hang of it before deciding it isn’t for you.
• Do it for YOU and try not to compare to others.
• If you get overwhelmed by your options, just pick one and get started.
• Make a list of a few things you’re interested in trying so if one doesn’t work out, you have back-ups handy.

Consistency and Persistence are the Keys

Regardless of which approach you choose to start with, the most important part of keeping up these changes will be to follow up with consistency and persistence. Consistency, or repeating the behavior you want to maintain, will help you build healthy habits, or a lifestyle, rather than just doing it once. Persistence, or continuing the behavior even when it’s challenging, will help you find a way to create and maintain the new habit.

Nurturing Relationships During (and after) the Pandemic

Human beings are social by nature, and we are inherently happier and healthier when we maintain positive social relationships. The pandemic has introduced new challenges to building and maintaining intimate relationships. For example, stress, conflict, and worries about health, parenting, or finances can all have an impact on a sense of connection.

For those that are partnered, sheltering at home and having less personal space has made some couples feel more tense. Significant changes to daily routines, activities, hobbies, and lifestyle might have added new challenges for couples to overcome. For many, limited access to diverse social networks due to social distancing, closure of schools, businesses, or other public spaces formerly used for connection—and less travel overall—has put greater pressure on intimate relationships to meet all of your emotional connection needs. Increased parenting responsibilities with less access to childcare options has also put a strain on many couples and families.

Those who are not already in established, committed, or long-term relationships may face the struggle of trying to meet a new partner or maintain a newer relationship with limited options for face-to-face connection.

While we won’t always be in a pandemic state of mind, it’s possible that the way we interact with others may always be altered. It’s important to be flexible and creative as you find new ways to keep connecting safely with people both now, and in the future.

Tips for Nurturing Relationships During (and after) the Pandemic

While you cannot control how your partner behaves or reacts, you can set goals and intentions to be present in your relationship. Here are some things you can try that can help reduce tension and stress, while building or maintaining a healthy connection with your partner:

Make time

Make time for your partner when you can. It’s possible that they are also feeling isolated and could benefit from spending quality time with you. Being intentional about setting aside uninterrupted time with each other can help foster intimacy and a deeper, more meaningful connection.

Be present

Your time and undivided attention are the most valuable resources you have to offer your partner. When you are together and truly trying to connect, minimize distractions (like phone and tv) so you can enjoy each other’s company.

Practice active listening

Active listening is a great way to show your partner that you’re listening, and increase the chance that they will respond to you similarly. Doing your best to understand your partner’s needs in the moment is easier when you truly hear them first, then respond. When both of you feel heard and understood, it’s easier to let defenses down and build connections up.

Create some certainties

Prioritizing time with your partner reaffirms that they are important to you. Schedule regular time to check in with one another or establish daily routines and communicate with each other ahead of time about who will be in charge of planning each time. Make time to reminisce, exercise or do other activities you both enjoy, or try something different, even if it’s just taking a day trip or ordering takeout from a new restaurant.

Rediscover your partner’s love language

Use this time as an opportunity to better understand how to show love and affection to your partner. Some people connect with verbal affirmation, some prioritize physical touch, and others feel loved when their partner gives gifts, shares quality time, or performs acts of service. If you aren’t in touch with what makes your partner feel the most loved by you—ask them! Then go out of your way to indulge in that love language for them.

Want to learn more about navigating your relationship with your significant other? Check out our webinar on the subject here.

Practical Strategies for Making New Friends

Finding Balance

The turmoil caused by COVID-19 puts us outside of our comfort zones. Understandably, many of us are reacting to this anxiety which is creating problems in our relationships as partners, parents, and roommates. Nevertheless, this is an opportunity to strengthen our relationships. Learn from our behavioral health specialists how to navigate the stressors of the pandemic, how it affects our behaviors, and come out stronger on the other side.

The topic of relationships, especially in times of elevated uncertainty, is top of mind for many of us, so we thought it deserved two webinars. While the first relationship webinar focused on romantic relationships, this second webinar will cover our relationships with friends and family, as well as how to handle dating and loneliness.

Finding Balance – Podcast

Our clinical psychologists, licensed mental health professionals are qualified to diagnose and treat a wide range of conditions and disorders that include everything from anxiety and depression to addiction and sleep issues. Our virtual one-on-one sessions give you the tools, best practices and ongoing support you need to feel better, work more effectively and improve interpersonal relationships..

Start a conversation with your Crossover care team, when you are ready. We’re here to help.